50 Things to Remember When Raising a Monster
by dogstar-ebony
Summary: - #23- Do not tell Rosie that pressing Uncle Harry’s ‘magic scar’ will make sweets come out of his belly button, as he doesn't find it amusing to have an over-excited four-year-old prodding his forehead." Sequel to "...When My Wife is Pregnant". Funny.


I hadn't originally planned on writing another of these list fics but the first one seemed to go down well and I really enjoyed writing it, so here's the sequel, also by Ron Weasley, to _50 Things to Remember When My Wife is Pregnant_. I'm going by the assumption that if Rose is aged four then Hugo is roughly two years old, possibly a bit older.

_**~ 50 Things to Remember When Raising a Little Monster ~**_

1) Rosie is four years old.

2) Four year olds, on the whole, are not particularly good at deciding what they would like to eat for dinner.

3) Hermione does not approve of me feeding our daughter ice-cream for dinner.

4) "Jam on a spoon is _not_ a balanced meal no matter how still you hold it" is a valuable lesson which I should remember.

5) Never believe a word Rosie tells me. The girl is a born liar.

6) Not even if she tells me that she hasn't been stealing Chocolate Frogs from the cupboard and that the chocolate on her face simply "fell on".

7) Chocolate-smeared cheeks are not attractive.

8) No matter what Rosie tells me, and no matter how funny I find it personally.

9) If Rosie is being very quiet, then she is up to something. Never just accept that she is being good for once.

10) Especially when she just happens to be playing with James and Albus.

11) If Rosie somehow manages to turn her hair bright blue, do not attempt to fix it.

12) Rosie does not suit pink hair either.

13) Nor does she suit a shaved-head. Next time hand the problem directly to Hermione.

14) Do not play any game suggested by Rose as I will inevitably end up crawling around on the floor pretending to be her latest favourite animal and being criticised by an indignant (and quite frankly scary) four-year-old who tells me that I'm "doing it all WRONG" and that "fishes don't make that noise, silly Daddy! They go shhhhh!!"

15) Do not question any of Rosie's wisdom – she is four years old and knows far, _far_ more than Daddy.

16) Always give bath-time duties to Hermione, as telling Rosie that Daddy can't swim is not enough to stop her from practically drowning me in her efforts to get me to join her.

17) Although Rose is surprisingly agile on a toy broomstick, do not sit or stand anywhere near her when she is riding hers, as she can and will dive-bomb my kneecaps and laugh like a loon while she does so.

18) Do not leave Rosie alone with Hugo, even for a split second, as she will almost always begin dressing him up.

19) Although Hugo seems to like Rosie's pretty pink dress, it doesn't really suit his colouring.

20) Do not allow Rosie to be 'a big BIG girl' (as she terms it) and feed her brother herself, as the spoon will be pushed into every possible orifice on Hugo's face but his mouth.

21) Do, on the other hand, allow Rosie to be "the biggest girl" (again, her term, not mine) when there is a spider in the bathroom, as the freak of nature actually seems to like playing with them.

22) Hugo does not like having mashed banana in his eye. It makes him cry.

23) Do not tell Rosie that pressing Uncle Harry's 'magic scar' will make sweets come out of his belly button, as for some odd reason he does not find it amusing to have an over-excited four-year-old prodding his forehead.

24) Rosie can be quite violent when she really wants something.

25) Do not be drawn in by Rose playing the "But why?" game again. As soon as she starts asking 'but why, Daddy?' after _every single thing_ I say, do not attempt to explain things to her but distract her with a sweet or something shiny so as not to waste another whole hour of my life.

26) If Rosie asks where Hugo came from again, being vague does not work, as this invites awkward questions.

27) Do not tell her "from Mummy's stomach", either, as this invites a lot of awkward questions regarding how he came to be inside Mummy's stomach.

28) Telling her the "when a mummy and a daddy love each other lots and want to have a baby" story does not work either, as she immediately asks how they were 'a mummy and a daddy' if they didn't have a baby yet.

29) Rosie can be a tiny evil genius when she so chooses – blame Hermione for this fact.

30) Similarly, do not tell Rosie that we picked her out specially from the zoo, as she will then take this as an excuse to strip off and run around the garden hooting and kicking up leaves.

31) No matter how funny I find it, it is not amusing to hear Rose crying out "But Mummy I'm a badger!" as she is carried upstairs, covered in mud and bits of grass, to be cleaned and made a human girl again.

32) When Rosie comes and hugs me for no reason, she's usually up to something. Hug her back before checking my shirt for evidence of painted palm-prints, Kick Me sign (as handwritten by James) or otherwise.

33) When she kisses me for no reason, however, she usually does mean it.

34) Do not confuse the two, as she will invariably ask why I am furiously rubbing the back of my head and trying to see it in a mirror.

35) Do not attempt to sleep on the sofa when Rosie is awake, as she doesn't seem to understand the concept of tiredness.

36) Nor does she understand that jumping on Daddy's belly is not a fun way for him to wake up when he is tired.

37) Do not leave my wand lying within easy reach of Rose, as she will steal it and can generally later be found poking inanimate objects with it, trying to make them talk to her.

38) "Easy reach" includes the following places where Rose is concerned: my pocket; the kitchen table; my bedside cabinet; locked in the bathroom cupboard (I have no idea how she reached the door _or_ unlocked it. The girl takes after her uncles, clearly.) and in my hand as I'm trying to use it.

39) Telling Rose that Auntie Ginny's hair is really a wig, whilst funny at the time, is not so funny when Rosie launches herself at Auntie Ginny and tries to pull it off.

40) Nor is it funny when Auntie Ginny hexes me in revenge.

41) Hermione doesn't appreciate me telling Rose that broccoli is haunted and that if she eats it she'll have a ghost living in her stomach.

42) Nor does she appreciate me telling Rosie that when she was born she was just a big cat that we had to shave so that she became a girl.

43) Telling Rosie that the tooth fairy is real and will steal her teeth while she sleeps instead of waiting for them to fall out and give her a Galleon makes Rosie cry and Hermione hex me.

44) Before telling amusing lies to Rosie (such lies being, for example, that eggs talk to each other when no one else is around), whilst hilarious, should be carefully thought out, as Rosie is extremely gullible (even for a four year old) and will go to great lengths to test the truth of these statements.

45) Try to persuade Hermione that Rose really _doesn't_ need another cat before she takes Rose to pick one out, as Crookshanks is more than enough, despite how 'lonely' and in need of 'a pretty girlfriend' Rosie think he is.

46) Explain to Rosie for the millionth time that when Hugo starts wailing he is not, in fact, 'singing' and it is also not an excuse for her to start 'singing' with him.

47) Rosie still refuses to understand that she shouldn't tell people that Hugo is part-gnome, even if he does have a very round head, as it embarrasses Hermione to have her shout it out in the middle of Diagon Alley. I should therefore try to fix what I caused.

48) Do not allow Harry to babysit Rose, as she will inevitably come home with a million new ideas she has learnt from James, all of which she will put into practice immediately.

49) Do not, under any circumstances, allow Rosie to become bored, as she can make her voice extremely high-pitched when she so chooses, and she doesn't seem to need to breathe as much as normal people do.

50) Rosie isn't normal.

_Author's Note:_

_There's my sequel then. I hope this was enjoyed. Some of the lies told are actually things I believed when I was about five that my evil dad told me – no wonder I grew up warped! _

_Anyway, I hope whoever reads this likes it; don't forget to review, you can't miss the button now, it's enormous! And if anyone has any suggestions for another fic, please let me know; I really enjoy writing these. _

_Dogstar_


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